Friday, March 26, 2010
Laughter
I enjoy laughing while i'm depressed, it just fucking sucks when I have to be the one to make myself laugh cause no one else gives a flying fuck.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A trip inside my demented mind
Here I am again, sitting in this painfully uncomfortable chair that I've literally spent a majority of the past 5 years of my life sitting on, quietly listening to the sound of me typing away yet it only seems to get louder with time, maybe I'm alone? maybe that's why things are more louder, or maybe my mind is playing another trick on me? It wouldn't be the first.
Ever wonder why you feel like your doing something right? and something inside your body is shouting "NO NO!!!!" and you do it with a confident expression on your face, only to realize how fucking stupid you are right after? You were wrong..you just fucked up again..but you were right at the same time, Isn't that odd? What is that other sub-conscience inside us?
Is it your mind fucking with you? is it a spiritual friend you've picked up along the way of finding your destination to finding enternal bliss? Is there such thing as enternal bliss? I personally would like to believe so but I couldn't tell you in reality.
Why is there so many questions? and why do some of those questions not have an answer?
Or do they? I once again do not know.
I'm currently searching for answers, I tried to kill myself twice; why? I wanted answers, I'm sick of being depressed, I'm sick of walking in circles, I'm sick of sitting in this painfully uncomfortable chair waiting for answers so I've come to confront them.
I didn't pick this path by choice as everyone claims. I'm still a fucking minor for fuck sakes, my opinion doesn't matter, why should it?
But I've sucked in my pride and am still walking, my feelings are hurt, I don't know what to believe, even if I see it I choose not to believe it, but i'm still going, I've been told on one of my suicide attemps by some anonymous winged man that it was not my time, not today young man. And he disappeared that fast. That was my first indicator that I must keep going, I must find something..answers are waiting for me as well as enternal bliss and potentially a soul-mate who will help guide me as I help guide them along this dark, dusty, foggy, forgotten realm.
Sure I've met friends on my journey, some I will never forget, some of whom I love dearly and some deeply. I've met some spiritual friends that live somewhere in my body, presumably my mind, sometimes they help me, sometimes they really like to irritate the living shit out of me.
I'm still going, one day i'll reach my destination, one day far from now.
I feel this could be easier than it is, I'm sure most will agree with me but I know there is an ignorant prick out there waiting to say "It's only as hard as you make it!!!!" You know what?! That's about half true, it's people like you who you share supreme ignorance with and like to tell me stupid shit like that, that make this journey harder.
When I ask for your ear, I want you to listen, I want friendly caring advice.
I don't want your ignorance and everything else you want to burden me with.
Do you really find it funny or entertaining mocking and ridiculing a suicidal, homicidal, depressed, demented, diabolical man? I bet it is, I bet you are also the same person who makes fun of mentally ill kids and laughs about it, Karma is a fucking bitch and you just wait your fucking turn because if nothing is out to get you, I will be.
If you have no interest in helping me, I have none in you, if you do not respect me being a clueless wanderer, I don't respect anything you are either.
Everything is so fucking corrupt, and the truth of the matter is 99.99% of the hypocrite filled society is nothing but a bunch of fucking crooks and liars, yes I'm pointint at you big G just you wait your fucking turn on my next blog when I got some valuable words for you that you should take into consideration.
I'm not a lunatic, I just have alot of rage that people love to ridicule me for and claim it's inside my head and I made myself this way, look in the mirror buddy..you, your friends, peers, family and your society you share oxygen with made me this fucking way.
Ever wonder why you feel like your doing something right? and something inside your body is shouting "NO NO!!!!" and you do it with a confident expression on your face, only to realize how fucking stupid you are right after? You were wrong..you just fucked up again..but you were right at the same time, Isn't that odd? What is that other sub-conscience inside us?
Is it your mind fucking with you? is it a spiritual friend you've picked up along the way of finding your destination to finding enternal bliss? Is there such thing as enternal bliss? I personally would like to believe so but I couldn't tell you in reality.
Why is there so many questions? and why do some of those questions not have an answer?
Or do they? I once again do not know.
I'm currently searching for answers, I tried to kill myself twice; why? I wanted answers, I'm sick of being depressed, I'm sick of walking in circles, I'm sick of sitting in this painfully uncomfortable chair waiting for answers so I've come to confront them.
I didn't pick this path by choice as everyone claims. I'm still a fucking minor for fuck sakes, my opinion doesn't matter, why should it?
But I've sucked in my pride and am still walking, my feelings are hurt, I don't know what to believe, even if I see it I choose not to believe it, but i'm still going, I've been told on one of my suicide attemps by some anonymous winged man that it was not my time, not today young man. And he disappeared that fast. That was my first indicator that I must keep going, I must find something..answers are waiting for me as well as enternal bliss and potentially a soul-mate who will help guide me as I help guide them along this dark, dusty, foggy, forgotten realm.
Sure I've met friends on my journey, some I will never forget, some of whom I love dearly and some deeply. I've met some spiritual friends that live somewhere in my body, presumably my mind, sometimes they help me, sometimes they really like to irritate the living shit out of me.
I'm still going, one day i'll reach my destination, one day far from now.
I feel this could be easier than it is, I'm sure most will agree with me but I know there is an ignorant prick out there waiting to say "It's only as hard as you make it!!!!" You know what?! That's about half true, it's people like you who you share supreme ignorance with and like to tell me stupid shit like that, that make this journey harder.
When I ask for your ear, I want you to listen, I want friendly caring advice.
I don't want your ignorance and everything else you want to burden me with.
Do you really find it funny or entertaining mocking and ridiculing a suicidal, homicidal, depressed, demented, diabolical man? I bet it is, I bet you are also the same person who makes fun of mentally ill kids and laughs about it, Karma is a fucking bitch and you just wait your fucking turn because if nothing is out to get you, I will be.
If you have no interest in helping me, I have none in you, if you do not respect me being a clueless wanderer, I don't respect anything you are either.
Everything is so fucking corrupt, and the truth of the matter is 99.99% of the hypocrite filled society is nothing but a bunch of fucking crooks and liars, yes I'm pointint at you big G just you wait your fucking turn on my next blog when I got some valuable words for you that you should take into consideration.
I'm not a lunatic, I just have alot of rage that people love to ridicule me for and claim it's inside my head and I made myself this way, look in the mirror buddy..you, your friends, peers, family and your society you share oxygen with made me this fucking way.
Flame Burning
Slowly watching the fire burn
Slowly watching the fire burn inside my head
Watching the fire burn the flame will never go out
The fire is burning now
The flame is dancing and telling me he will never burn out
Date: Dec. 09
Slowly watching the fire burn inside my head
Watching the fire burn the flame will never go out
The fire is burning now
The flame is dancing and telling me he will never burn out
Date: Dec. 09
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